I had a really cool God moment in the bathtub. But I have to explain the lead up first.
I've been struggling this week with a strange feeling of not being able to touch God/be close to God/gaze into the face of God the way I usually do. It has been frustrating and confusing. I would sit down to focus on God and my mind would run loops and think about piano teaching, or things I needed to organise... I couldn't focus on Jesus. Last night we worshipped with a guitar at our small group and I felt like I was worshipping in truth but not in spirit. I could glorify God with my mind but my spirit just wasn't touching God. I thought there had to be a spiritual block. I felt physically pushed down and I couldn't raise my eyes and heart to God. It's really hard to put into words sorry.
For the past week I have been very driven by planning. Planning is not a bad thing, if you submit those plans to God and let him lead your plans. I was holding 'my plans' a little too tightly. I was researching and deciding what to do next year and I was obsessively thinking about it all without many breaks!
I became information hungry. There was a giant sale on e-books about all sort of things I am passionate about; childbirth, parenting, diet, natural living etc. A whole stack of e-books (love that phrase..) was available for only about $30! I said "Ooh that would be nice," and God said "No, they wouldn't be good for you." Me: "Huh? I love to learn about these topics and information is not a bad thing!" But I couldn't convince myself or God to let me have those books to read. I didn't quite understand why...
Until we got home last night after small group and i felt Holy Spirit say I had an anti-Christ spirit hanging around. I'm not even sure exactly what 'anti-Christ' means except that it's obviously against Jesus. It would't want me worshipping and devoting myself to Jesus. My husband had heard the word 'priorities' from God. I acknowledged pretty quickly that my priorities had been out of balance lately.
I had to let go of my plans. I had to say, "God, let your will be done in my teaching next year." Also, "let your will be done in my health," and "let your will be done in my future family and how I have children and how I care for those children."
I know all about different parenting methods, different systems for doing things, and I wanted to learn more, but am I letting Holy Spirit be the loudest and strongest voice and guide? God didn't like me looking to methods and research above looking to his guidance. Researching is not a bad thing, if you submit those ideas to god and let Him lead you into His truth.
I repented and we got rid of that anti-Christ spirit. I feel much more peaceful and I can connect with God again and lift my eyes to worship Jesus - the absolute truth.
Back to the bath. I was focusing on God and began to sing "Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire, is to be Holy; set apart for you Lord. I choose to be Holy, set apart for you my master, ready to do your will." As I was singing/reflecting on those lyrics, holy spirit said, "Stop trying to be perfect and instead try to be holy." Holy actually means set apart. I love 'What's in the Bible' where Captain Pete sets aside his mashed potatoes for later and says, "These are holy mashed potatoes." Holy actually means set apart for God - you can see that in the lyrics of Refiner's Fire. God told me to stop trying so hard to be perfect and without sin, and instead to try to be devoted wholly to Jesus. To focus on giving myself up, surrendering my plans and ideals and desires, and putting Jesus at the absolute centre and surrounds of my life.
I asked God why he didn't want me to try to be without sin, because that is obviously His desire and part of the song. God said that through surrender and setting myself apart for him, he will be able to work in my life to make me more sanctified (without sin). It's not my job to make myself perfect, it's my job to surrender and follow Jesus with my whole life. Make sense?
I think I need to learn to stop trying to sanctify myself. Food for thought. That's all for now. :-)
