Anger. I've learnt a few things about anger. I even started to analyse my anger today, to try to get rid of it when I realised it wasn't evaporating on its own. Anger is not a sin in itself (God gets angry, Jesus got angry) but sometimes we know our anger feels wrong and that is because we have sin behind it or around it.
I have learned that anger usually comes from fear. If I am afraid, I am probably not trusting God. When I am afraid I put my 'needs' above gods desire and provision. I fear they won't be met. It is self centred and says that God can't care for me well enough.
This morning I was afraid of letting down the people I was going to play group with (I keep missing events with them). I was afraid of their negativity. I was afraid of how exhausting it would be to stay home with a squealing refluxy baby. I was afraid that tomorrow - my stay at home rest day - wouldn't be as enjoyable because I would want to get out of the house finally.
Another thing I know about anger is that it comes from having a blocked goal. I'm angry because I can't do what I wanted to do. I can't make happen when I wanted to happen. I can't avoid what I wanted to avoid.
But who am I to decide something needs to happen? I am not God.
I had a goal to go to playgroup. To make it to an event. To feel happy. To be exhausted by the end of a successful day. Tick, tick, tick, I'm so great. Pride, striving and more. Yuck.
When I left the house with Micah to go to the park instead, I wondered what God has planned for my day and whether I had been open to his plan. Had I even asked him which event to attend? God and I aren't on great terms lately. "God what are you trying to teach me?!" I asked as I rummaged through my bags.
Was he trying to get my attention with the ridiculous inability to find my keys? I don't know. I spent half an hour searching for them. The minute the playgroup ended and I decided to go to the park, I found them in the nappy bag.
Another thing I have learned about anger is that there is usually someone to forgive. We tend to blame someone, even if it makes no sense. In this situation I blamed my husband. Then I blamed Micah. Then I blamed God. Then I blamed spiritual attack. Then I blamed myself. Who's fault was it? I have no idea. Blame, bitterness, accusation, yuck.
Now I want to accept that what happened today was possibly a gift. Or possibly just a bad day. Whatever. I do want you to take from it a few thoughts.
Next time you are really angry, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" "Should I have that fear?"
Ask yourself, "What is my blocked goal?" "Is it a wrong goal?"
Ask yourself, "Who am I blaming?" "Do I need to forgive them?"
Deal with those things with God if that's what you do. Or just acknowledge them and talk yourself around them.
I needed to hand my day to God, trust his goodness and forgive him, myself and my family.
I am sitting in a lovely park with my sleeping baby. Things are okay!
A few days later I found out that if we had gone along to the playgroup we would have been exposed to a virus. Maybe God really did keep us away!
