But God I want to keep them!

I have been away all weekend with a wonderful bunch of people having an amazing time with God. Recently God has brought me into a place of rest as I rely on him to meet my needs... So that's what I was doing for the first couple of days away.

The thing about the 'surrender to God' lesson is that sometimes my heart doesn't go along with the plan and decides to cry and scream for what I want. Pretty much just like a toddler without the lying on the floor part... Well maybe sometimes with the lying on the floor part. That is okay, as long as it is part of a process and I don't get stuck there.

I was really encouraged by hearing someone speak about surrendering our soul to God - bringing our mind, will and emotions into alignment with our spirit's desires. I had an even deeper revelation that it is hard to give up something if we don't believe God will fill our need in another way. In order to surrender fully, we have to trust that he will always meet our needs.

So, two days ago I was kneeling on the floor in a room full of worshippers and I was really feeling grief. Grief comes in waves. In the last three months I have lost three very very precious things. It has not been an easy journey and although i lay them at the feet of God, i often want to pick them up again.

In this moment I was crying to God "I want to keep them, I want to keep them, I want to keep them!" Part of me asked myself if I should really be letting myself feel and say that. I decided it is healthy to be honest and raw with God in our worship. There have to be moments when I choose to be real.

So I am saying, "God I want to keep them!" 

In response to my heart's cry, God spoke so clearly, one simple phrase.

"I wanted to keep my son."

Wow.

I cried more tears as I knew God understood my pain but was calling me to lay down my desires to him even though it was hard; even though I hoped God would somehow change his mind and want to bless me with what I had lost. Is it really God's nature and plan to ask me to give up such precious things?

The uncomfortable answer is yes. But it is a yes filled with hope, the assurance of God's love and his promise to always meet our needs.

"As your love, in wave after wave, crashes over me.."

One week and four days ago we were in Caloundra on the Sunshine Coast. I looked out the living room window and was thrilled we had a beach view. The sand was only 100m away tops. Because we don't have flags at home, I was assuming we would head straight into the waves but actually this was Queensland. The sea was way too dangerous. I was determined to get into that sea though so in true Tasmanian style, in the early days of October, we sat in the sea. Water sloshed in front of us and rushed against our legs, crashing into our stomachs and occasionally sending us sideways. It was wonderful.

Later that night I was curled up on the couch listening to Bethel's 'You Make Me Brave' album on my iPad. I suddenly realised how many songs on that album referenced the wave theme.

"So let go my soul, and trust in him. The waves and wind still know his name."
"I'm fully letting go. I'm surrendered to your ways. The anchor for my soul. Father you will never change."
"You will lift my head above the mighty waves. You are able to keep me from stumbling."
"I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves. I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid."
"And when I was drowning in my doubt, your mighty hand lifted me out, and now we are walking on the water."

Yep, I sense a theme here! The song that God particularly spoke to me about was 'You Make Me Brave'. It says "You make me brave, you make me brave, you call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises you've made." It is a drawing out into the depths of God's plans for us.

God whispered to my heart that the rough raging sea I had sat in earlier that day was dangerous but that he was calling me out into a raging sea that was 100% completely safe. It was like a vision I saw a couple of years ago of those triangle flags on a string, separating off a dangerous outdoor area. A white van was inside the flags - in the danger zone. God told me that what seemed dangerous in my life was actually safe. I could drive into the danger zones. At the same time he gave me a vision of yellow and red safety flags on the beach, that signal safe and unsafe swimming zones. I saw the yellow as safety but the unsafe red became pink. The pink was God's love. Even the unsafe zones were safe in God.

The song continues "As your love, in wave after wave, crashes over me, crashes over me. For you are for us, you are not against us.."

Lately God has been teaching me about letting go and revelling in his love. In a wild free way. He has been highlighting sexuality in marriage as an expression of the intimacy he created us to have with him. Surrender, freedom, enjoyment of his love, safety, trust, intimacy, passion. The opposite of control and measured steps.

The raging sea is wild and overwhelming, it tosses you about. He is calling me to walk in... to swim out and surrender to the wild currents of his plans and his love and his blessings. And it's in that free, uncontrolled place that we will find the deep pleasure of love as the waves crash over us. It is totally safe and it is totally good!