I had been fighting a little mastitis for a few days. It kept getting better and then worse again. After working hard at it in the early (very early!) hours of the morning, I lay down with a cabbage leaf and an ice pack and listened to God.
My discernment lately has been awful. God has been very quiet. I just needed God to help me.
Something random came to me.
“Can you pray for me?” I asked my husband who was half asleep. “God just said I have a wrong image of him.”
“What’s the wrong image?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think God’s disappointed in you?”
Yes. 😠I cried and cried.
Did God tell you that?
“I saw a strong image of a disappointed face.”
He later told me he also heard the word “disappointed” and had the sense it was false.
“God says he’s well pleased with you.”
I grew up in a family where behaviour and performance was prioritised over heart/intention.
As the tears rolled I noticed a part of me that doesn’t feel seen.
And I wasn’t just in tears for how God or people see me. I am so disappointed in me. I’ve not reached the bar I set. I’ve failed my standards miserably.
“Can you forgive yourself?”
Can I forgive myself? ...but I’m not meeting my standards at all 😩
Then I was imagining this race.
If someone’s struggling through a muddy pit and the other racer is running up a grassy hill, who’s going to perform better/win? If both are trying and trusting God then they’re both winning in God’s eyes.
Stop looking at where people are at. I’m saying that to myself as much as to you!
I recently read a near death experience where God said we get ‘good and bad’ wrong. He said forward motion is good. As long as there’s forward motion, even if we’re in a mess. And he said that what is bad is giving up and not moving. Sitting back in a chair and quitting to avoid pain is ‘bad’.
Apparently mistakes are good. Trying and falling is good. Flailing in the mud is good. Struggling up a cliff and slipping back down is good. They’re all forward motion.
I’ve been hurt by people standing over me this year who looked at my actions and words but didn’t check in with my heart.
People tend to judge people’s hearts off their behaviour. I am relieved that God knows my genuine heart attitudes.
As someone who’s often running through slippery mud, I just saw myself with more kindness and grace. My intentions are good. I might not be high achieving right now (read ministering on stage and glowing in the light of the Holy Spirit) or meeting my ‘good girl’ standards, but I am fighting my own battles and pressing forward through my own stuff.
A new way to see things.
“Yes, I can forgive myself,” I told my husband.
This year I have heard a lot of emphasis on DOING in church teachings. Even to the extreme of if we don’t “do” certain things we are “failing”.
NO. Just no. That is not the heart of God coming through to his people. I’ve had enough of hearing hurting people being pushed.
If God is well pleased with me then I bet he is well pleased with you.
I’m just as good as the person doing all the things. You’re just as good as the person doing all the things (whatever things you think you/other people should be doing).
We’re all ‘enough’ on this learning journey we’ve been placed in.
Forward motion. Even if it’s falling forward. Keep going!
God hold people’s hearts in yours and give them the strength they need. 💖
