Weeks earlier, when the doctor had mentioned an ultrasound, my immediate response had been, "I feel like God is saying i can have it." I wasn't sure if God meant I should, or could. I wasn't sure if I wanted it or not.
I felt that God would keep Micah safe, but i didn't know what needed to happen or what God really wanted.
Hence the indecision began.
I talked it through with so many friends over weeks, which is something I don't normally do.
Right from the beginning I had felt that if I had the scan it would be to give me peace; to give me more security in trusting for a safe, healthy birth. I felt that God was giving me a way to have more peace because I had been struggling so much with fear. But I had always wanted to avoid scans in pregnancy because of the health risks to the baby and I was having trouble putting that desire down.
I wished I could have that wonderful experience of avoiding the ultrasound and trusting God fully with the health of my baby and pregnancy. It seemed like I wasn't allowed that though, because I had a few nutritional issues. Also because I struggled with fear.
I was sometimes afraid that God wanted me to have a scan because something was going to show up wrong. I was also afraid that if I didn't have a scan I would be going against God's wishes and when it came to the birth I wouldn't have enough peace to get through the process.
I decided I would have the scan, thinking that if I just made a choice, peace about it would come. The next day I had doubts again! I booked the ultrasound and felt okay about it but very nervous for it. I did think it was what God wanted... probably. I wasn't at peace with myself though. I knew I might always be disappointed that I had an ultrasound.
One day God showed me an image of my midwife working alongside God, as if God was in charge and she was just his servant. In the same moment God showed me that the ultrasound technician would just be showing me the great things that God was doing inside of me. The technician had no power. People had no power over my pregnancy. God was in charge.
After i had an appointment with my midwife and heard Micah's heartbeat, I started to feel unsure about my decision again! I read some data and statistics and realised the ultrasound was unlikely to have much benefit to us and was opening up a lot of opportunity for concern or fear or a snowball of interventions. God had already given us peace about Micah being healthy and the birth being safe.
I talked to my husband about maybe not having a scan after all. My spirit rose up and thought, "You know, I could actually just go by faith. Maybe god doesn't need the scan after all."
When I started to think like that, the fear suddenly left my body and I felt powerful and peaceful. I said "Jesus doesn't need to use a scan to give me peace! He can give me peace through the Holy Spirit!"
I saw that relying on the scan for peace was just buying into the battle I had been through lately with wanting knowledge and understanding in all areas of health and pregnancy. I had been struggling with 'wanting to know' so I could have more peace but now it was time to rise above that and to say "I don't need to know everything. God will tell us what to do when he needs to. I surrender to him." My husband had peace about not having a scan and I decided to trust that what I was believing and feeling was from Holy Spirit and that my doubts were the voice of fear. I cancelled the ultrasound.
I believe I had a break through that day. The break through was bigger than the decision about the ultra sound. It was a big step in overcoming fear and a lesson in God's true desires.
I haven't once regretted my final decision and have had total peace about it since.
A little later I felt God saying to me quite sternly, "Come on, stop being so wrapped up in little things. They don't matter as much as you think! I want to use you and I can't because you are so caught up in worrying and focusing on every little decision. Put on your kingdom perspective and focus on building my kingdom in the world."
I sensed how God sees such a bigger picture and is focused on the entire world and his eternal plan. It truly felt like God was pulling me into line, but the way your best friend might say, "Hey, seriously, you need to do this. I'm telling you because I love you." It wasn't in a condemning or angry way but it was more intense than God had spoken to me in a long time. I was glad of it though! I really took notice.
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