Two special cushions

In August I lost a pregnancy at eleven and a half weeks. The baby never grew past six weeks. Two months later I lost another one at four weeks. Both little lives were girls. God named them Charlotte Hannah and Zoe Grace.

The story of Charlotte

The story of Zoe

When we lost Charlotte, my husband bought me a beautiful cushion with butterflies on it. Butterflies have been a special symbol of my healing and transformation over the last few years. Charlotte was part of that transformation process. I learnt so much about faith and standing on who God is, rather than the promises I think he has made.

I only had one lonely cushion though. I hunted online in all sorts of places for another cushion to complement it but I never settled on anything.

During my second miscarriage I was lying in bed and I looked over at the butterfly cushion. That moment Holy Spirit said, "Look on the Target website, there is another cushion for Zoe." 

I grabbed the iPhone and did a search. As I scrolled the cushions I wondered which one was the one? As soon as I laid eyes on it I knew. It was beautiful. it had the same background fabric, it had a butterfly on it, little flowers, and it was one of my favourite colours. There was free shipping online that day.

Zoe brought me healing too. Her name means life. When I lost her, I felt that it was the first hard thing that had happened to me that God was fully in and through and around. (I don't mean God wanted her to die - let's talk about that later.) I had total peace about it. I didn't feel angry at God, I didn't shut him out of my heart at all, I came to his loving arms and I finally felt totally safe. I felt like I could unpack all the hard things that had happened to me over the past five years and he would comfort me and love on me and be my safe place. 

My friend had one word from God about my second miscarriage: cleansing. God was cleansing me of all the junk from one trial after another. He was cleaning out my heart. He cleaned out my grief over Charlotte. He cleaned out whatever remained of the fear, uncertainty and frustration that I had carried from countless trials long before Charlotte. I felt cleansed. I felt more healed. I felt ready for my next baby. I was no longer desperate for another girl. I was ready for my baby boy.