Micah's Birth - Before

I have a baby lying asleep across my lap. He is my precious Micah. He was promised to me three years ago and in March of 2014, God gave me his name: Micah James Levi. Two miscarriages later, I fell pregnant and Micah was finally with me. This is the story of his birth.

Before

I actually thought I would have an early labour (my trust in gut feelings lets me down sometimes) and was counting down to 37 weeks pregnant, rather than 40 weeks, in order to stay sane. I was thrilled when I made it to 37 because that was the cut-off date for being allowed a home birth, which I desperately wanted.

I was physically forced to finish work at 35 weeks pregnant and spent the next five weeks resting with more and more need to lie down during the day and inability to walk around and do anything. Late pregnancy was really hard.

My blood pressure had seemed high at midwife appointments which stressed me out so incredibly much. One of my fears had been high blood pressure in pregnancy. Also blood clots and blood sugar issues. But God had declared for me a home birth so I stood on that promise and chose to believe my blood pressure would work out fine. I argued with the midwife, "but God has promised me a home birth so it must be fine!" Then we finally borrowed a blood pressure monitor and it always measured normal at home on my own. Massive relief! 

Forty weeks pregnant came and went and we were still preparing. We inflated the big blue birth pool from the birth centre. We stored it in the hallway because it smelled like plastic. If visitors came it was moved to the lounge and they would give it silent glances ;-) We packed a hospital bag although I was certain we wouldn't need it! 

I remember one day I just had to put the washing away even though I could barely move. My nesting instinct was strong.

I began to get signs that I might have a baby soon. I also, however, realised what the date and month were. End of July. Early August. Exactly this time last year I was waiting for my first miscarriage to occur.

I waited two weeks from the day of the ultrasound that brought bad news. I waited two weeks for the pregnancy to end and to bury my precious tiny unformed baby. Now I was waiting for another labour and birth exactly a year later and this was awfully familiar.

Again I rested at home waiting. Again I cancelled teaching and waited. Again life stopped for a time. Again my husband stayed home from work to give me emotional space and comfort.

Now grief came and I sat in it, cried in it, bathed in it for awhile. She was my precious baby. I wanted to keep her. I had thought I was definitely over it and would never feel strongly again but here I was, feeling all over again.

Suddenly I didn't want this pregnancy to end. Would it feel like last time? Would I feel empty? I wanted to keep him inside for longer and feel his bony limbs wriggling and trying to burst out of my skin. I wanted to keep him that close and that safe and that loved.

But I needed to let go of him so that he could come out. He needed to come out into the world. 

So I grieved and then I let go. You can come out now Micah. A renewed peace came and I felt okay with the looming birth.

I knew labour wouldn't begin until I was ready in the head and the heart. I had learned that lesson when my miscarriage finally happened a few hours after I found peace.

I was feeling stressed by the expectation of my husband going to work each day. I was struggling with knowing he would leave me alone at home again. I needed everything to be over.

On Thursday, the day after our due date. we decided my husband would finish up at work and stay home for a week or two until Micah was born.

I began to get quite stressed about not being in labour yet. I would lie awake at night worried that I would never feel calm enough for my body to start labour.

God told me three movies in a row. The Matrix was first, with the slow motion fighting and the red and blue pills. There was a scene from Divergent with the super brave people dangerously jumping from the train. There was a scene from The Edge of Tomorrow with the guy training to fight the aliens by practice fighting those big metallic whirling things. 

All those movies were about defying human nature and being bigger and better and above human ability. God told me I didn't have to be a super-human. He said I could just be myself and that was enough. He would cover me.

By Monday, everything was completely ready for Micah to come. By Monday people also started asking questions. "When are you due?!" "Is the induction booked??" "Does the midwife use forceps and give stitches??" "I'm concerned you might not get an induction!"

I didn't answer. I hated all the questions threatening to bring all my fear back. I wanted people to stop saying things because I had finally found peace about the birth starting when it was time! God told me not to try to get labour started. I was following his lead. I felt to distract myself from waiting. That day we played board games and I watched YouTube. It was a special day of rest for my husband and I together.  

The following day, Tuesday, I felt to focus on the impending birth and not to distract myself. I sang and prayed and declared over the birth. I felt ready. I wondered if labour would begin tonight and sensed Holy Spirit saying yes, it would. "Really God? Am I really hearing that?" I asked. Yes, I was.