Things I've learned about anger.

I got really angry this morning. I got everything ready to leave the house to go to a playgroup and then I couldn't find my keys anywhere. I was already running late after managing an early nap for baby and planning our first group class for this afternoon for my piano students, pumping milk for this afternoon, showering myself, choosing an outfit, choosing baby an outfit, choosing nappies to take, choosing food to eat...  maybe it was all the choices or the fact I had been up since 6:30am or that I'd put a fair bit of emotional effort into choosing to go to playgroup instead of mummy group this morning... Whichever, I went a bit crazy when I realised we could no longer go. Rage. My bedroom wall got a beating from a pillow. (Don't laugh!)

Anger. I've learnt a few things about anger. I even started to analyse my anger today, to try to get rid of it when I realised it wasn't evaporating on its own. Anger is not a sin in itself (God gets angry, Jesus got angry) but sometimes we know our anger feels wrong and that is because we have sin behind it or around it. 

I have learned that anger usually comes from fear. If I am afraid, I am probably not trusting God. When I am afraid I put my 'needs' above gods desire and provision. I fear they won't be met. It is self centred and says that God can't care for me well enough. 

This morning I was afraid of letting down the people I was going to play group with (I keep missing events with them). I was afraid of their negativity. I was afraid of how exhausting it would be to stay home with a squealing refluxy baby. I was afraid that tomorrow - my stay at home rest day - wouldn't be as enjoyable because I would want to get out of the house finally.

Another thing I know about anger is that it comes from having a blocked goal. I'm angry because I can't do what I wanted to do. I can't make happen when I wanted to happen. I can't avoid what I wanted to avoid. 

But who am I to decide something needs to happen? I am not God. 

I had a goal to go to playgroup. To make it to an event. To feel happy. To be exhausted by the end of a successful day. Tick, tick, tick, I'm so great. Pride, striving and more. Yuck.

When I left the house with Micah to go to the park instead, I wondered what God has planned for my day and whether I had been open to his plan. Had I even asked him which event to attend? God and I aren't on great terms lately. "God what are you trying to teach me?!" I asked as I rummaged through my bags. 

Was he trying to get my attention with the ridiculous inability to find my keys? I don't know. I spent half an hour searching for them. The minute the playgroup ended and I decided to go to the park, I found them in the nappy bag.

Another thing I have learned about anger is that there is usually someone to forgive. We tend to blame someone, even if it makes no sense. In this situation I blamed my husband. Then I blamed Micah. Then I blamed God. Then I blamed spiritual attack. Then I blamed myself. Who's fault was it? I have no idea. Blame, bitterness, accusation, yuck. 

Now I want to accept that what happened today was possibly a gift. Or possibly just a bad day. Whatever. I do want you to take from it a few thoughts. 

Next time you are really angry, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" "Should I have that fear?"

Ask yourself, "What is my blocked goal?" "Is it a wrong goal?"

Ask yourself, "Who am I blaming?" "Do I need to forgive them?"

Deal with those things with God if that's what you do. Or just acknowledge them and talk yourself around them. 

I needed to hand my day to God, trust his goodness and forgive him, myself and my family.

I am sitting in a lovely park with my sleeping baby. Things are okay!

A few days later I found out that if we had gone along to the playgroup we would have been exposed to a virus. Maybe God really did keep us away!